I'm Really Tired.

I’m really tired.

You read that right. I’m really tired. Like really. Fucking. Tired.

I know that’s not what we’re supposed to say. We’re supposed to be sunshine and roses, rainbows and unicorns, and talk about how awesome our business and life is.

The thing is, my business and life are awesome. I love them both, or I love it all really, as the two blend together more and more.

Yet, I’m still tired.

Before you reply with all kinds of advice on what I should be eating, what supplements I should be taking, how much sleep I should be getting, and how much caffeine I should NOT be drinking, let me say this — I’m doing (or not doing) all the things. And thank you for loving on me <3

Believe me, I’ve been down the list of all the possible reasons for not feeling as energized as I want to as often as I want to — it comes in waves, you see — and here’s what I’ve figured out:

While my external world feels moderate and mindful, focused on health and wellness;

I’m eating super healthy, taking the best damn supplements money can buy, sleeping a solid 8 hours and getting plenty of exercise;

And my stress levels feel the lowest maybe ever in my life;

Internally, I’m in a period of massive expansion, of massive growth, and if we’re being honest here (and why wouldn’t we be?), massive growing up.

A couple of weeks ago I shared my Core Desired Feelings:

Creative Expansion
Transcendence
Receiving
Seen

These CDFs have developed out of what I would describe as a paradigm shift — a shift in perspective, in the way I see the world — that’s been a long time coming (and never ending) multilayered process, like the peeling of an ever expanding onion, if you will.

Faced with this shift in perspective, I’ve been doing a Cha Cha of sorts — a few steps forward, followed by a few steps back — as I make conscious choices to shift how I think, how I feel, and what I do every day.

No wonder I’m tired — I’ve been dancing an energetic Cha Cha nonstop. For a solid year.

Side bar —This reminds me of a night out dancing many, many years ago, where a friend compared me to the girl in The Red Shoes, who starts dancing and can not stop. Also, I’m kind of obsessed with red shoes.
— now back to the story…

So… massive expansion sounds massively awesome, right?

It is awesome! And it’s simultaneously exhausting.

Think about expansion in terms of exercise: The workout actually creates tiny tears in the muscles and it’s during the resting time that your body repairs and builds itself bigger and stronger. If you dial up your workouts you’ll notice pretty quickly that you require more sleep. Your body demands it of you so that you can grow.

I think about my adorable niece and nephew who at times, barely eat anything. They will snack here and there, push around their dinner and not even ask for desert. And then out of the blue they’ll start eating like it’s their job to put away as much food as possible, and they start sleeping like crazy, and maybe they’re a little cranky (or maybe I’ve imagined that  and then suddenly they shot up 2 inches, seemingly overnight.

Growth — whether it’s physical, intellectual or energetic — happens in the resting periods. Therefore:

Massive expansion requires massive self care.

It can be easy to be hard on ourselves (ha) and expect that as we’re growing we should be bursting with fruit flavor at all moments because, holy shit! Something awesome is happening!!! But the truth is that much of expansion requires hard work, focus, dedication and compassion for ourselves, much like we’d give a child learning to walk.

I’m curious if you’ve ever experienced this type of expansion? They type where after the shift in perspective, you have to dig in and do the hard work, of choosing to show up every day and think, feel and do differently than you ever have before. And when you’re in that space, can you have compassion for yourself, to let yourself rest, to layer on the self care and to happily dance the Cha Cha until it becomes easy like walking?

Think on that. I’m gonna go take a nap now…